Something's happening in my heart- I know, because I feel like I'm standing on this very tiny strand between wanting to cry because I see the same struggles in my life over and over and not wanting to go back where I've been, and feeling so close to being able to grasp something I never have before.
I'm frustrated with myself for not being further along than I am- for having made decisions this past year that have sidelined me- for having lost my love for others, as I've allowed myself to care too much about myself.
I don't want to go from drive to neutral to drive and back to neutral (or park). I want to be faithful, steadfast, consistent. I'm not.
I was reading through old journals, and I was surprised by how far back the same request goes. For many years now, I've prayed for deep and strong roots. I think reading my journals is good for me- it reminds me not to trust myself, but to set myself firmly upon scripture and the Word of God... something that never changes and always brings life to me. Last night at Bible Study Joel's main encouragement to us was "ask God what He wants to cut off, honestly. The sacrifice is worth it. It's time to consecrate ourselves." And I know he's right. It's been the same hunger in my heart. That's why I pulled up Air of Heaven tonight- I feel like the cry from that album really is, "Spend me. Take my all."
I want to live that. And I don't want to try to take back what I lay down at His feet.
"If we will lay down our visions and our hopes, come to God with hands wide open and say, spend me to lay up for Your future sons and daughters. Build Your Kingdom in our sons, and their sons. We say let the Kingdom come."
I want to sell all. And wait on Him. I want a steadfast heart.
One thing I think I've finally got ahold of these past few months, is that when I feel the lowest, scummiest, biggest of a sinner, who can't seem to get things right and get over herself... when I feel the farthest from God... that's the best time to run to Him. And that when I run, He really will run to me, and meet me. When Paul says nothing can separate us from the love of God, he means it, and I believe him.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35-39
(PS, Romans is my favorite book of the bible. So is 1 Corinthians, Philippians, and Ephesians, and probably 1 Peter now too.) :)
Another thought, I've been thinking a lot on lately- I am so grateful for my Dad. In particular, that he raised us girls to honor and esteem, and adore the word of God. That he put the Word of God, the scripture as the foundation of our family. I think it is undeniably tied to why we are all so strong (perhaps to a fault). We know that some things really do remain- we know the word of God does. We can stand on it, when everything else in our lives is shaking, and our knees and voice are trembling. Thank you Dad. Thank you for dragging each of us into your den for hours and hours (and years), making sure we heard every word of the Bible out loud. Thanks for pausing the tape (which you know I actually didn't mind- unlike others, ahem), to make sure we understood the connections- and that we saw the coherence of scripture- the shadows and promises and completions. Thank you for studying the word... for setting a pattern for us to be students of the word. For making a big deal out of it when we followed in those steps. For investing in us a conviction that, that is one of the best qualities we can find in a husband, a safeguard for a good leader, and a man we can trust our hearts to.
1 comment:
I agree thank you for that. But I won't say thank you for stopping the tape. But I love that you made us do this. I will be bringing my children over weekly to do the same with you.
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