I know I know- I should be writing my paper... I'm trudging through it, and I have to get this out before I can get that out (just trust me).

This morning in worship, something happened. And I don't know what it was.

All I know is Mrs. Rita Marinkovich gave a really intense word and I was brining my heart before the Lord- asking Him to search my heart, and to purge it. Then, I was singing along with the song, asking God to tear down my pride and break through the walls I've built.

I lost it. Shaking. Crying, maybe bawling. Something hit me and I couldn't even get the words out- though I kept trying.

I've been asking Him to break through my walls for a while, break me out of myself, out of my own control. I've controlled myself so long, so strictly that I don't know how not to. He starts to move on my heart, and I love it and want it, but within minutes I'm back in control and whatever was happening in my heart is over. I hate it. I want to lose control. I want to lose control to Him.

I think all the things I've been trying to control and keep from colliding, suddenly collided in my heart as He tore down walls. All day my eyes have felt like a leaky faucet, just barely holding that drop in its grasp. I wondered if strangers thought I was about to cry and maybe worried.

And now the past 4 hours I have been in the strangest 'mood.' I explained it to Ty as I want to 'explode.' And it's no typical 'explode'- not anger, or depression, or anything else you might associate it with. I almost went for a run, I've stretched tons, I've eaten 4 or 5 different types of food- just a few bites of each, had two cups of coffee and got up countless times for some other beverage that I want but can't put my finger on.

I'm restless.

I bought a new CD tonight and every song makes me want to some how consume the lyrics, light them on fire, smell their aroma. I sound like a crazy person, because I'm grasping for the words - the explanation in this physical, limited world for something huge inside me that feels like it just needs to get out, needs to stretch itself beyond my fingertips and toes and mind.

"Lock me up, I'm lovesick for just one touch. You're all I need, yet You never seem to be enough"

Melodies are feeding this thing inside of me.

"Come to the water all you who thirst and you'll thirst no more."

All at once I want this to be consumed, eaten up and spent like a fire- and I want it to go on forever.

"Come to the treasure all you who search and you'll search no more."

Writing this has really been no help.

"From His wounds we drink salvation."

I think I'm obsessed with Him... and with that revelation, the faucet loses its grip.

"Because Love is here."