Another day in still shots.

This is part of why I am sad about graduating. UW is one of the most beautiful campuses in the US. Every day I get to walk through a campus made up of buildings like this (Denny Hall):

Today, I walked by this tree. I've seen it many times before, but today I decided, this is one of my favorite trees. In fact, if I am to pick ONE favorite tree, it could be this one. (I also love one particular one in the Quad though.) I couldn't capture the 'amazingness' of the whole tree, but this shot sorta teases at it's essence. ;) (Notice the grocery cart beside it, a little odd on campus. It made the tree all the more quarky and appealing in my mind.)


Memorial Way. One of my favorite places on Campus. If it's dusk/dark, or raining... I love to stroll by here. The first memory I have of the University of Washington is here. Mrs. Cary Rose took our class (along with the whole secondary) my senior year to a ballet at UW, and we drove down Memorial Way to park. I remember the impression this long drive of beautiful old trees left on me. My Honors English class is in the building right beside here, so twice a week I get to enjoy this view.

I give it a week, maybe two and the Quad will be bursting with blossoms! We just need a little more sun.. :)



Ever wonder what kisses are going for these days?

Well in Red Square today, they're a dollar.

"$1 and you can kiss any handsome guy up there, including myself"
"I thought you said, chocolate?"

I'm on campus 'til late, waiting for a study session tonight for tomorrow's Political Science midterm... but my phone is about to die, so no more pictures. :(

Hope has two beautiful daughters: their names are anger and courage. Anger that things are the way they are. Courage to make them the way they ought to be.

-St. Augustine

The blogs are lacking as of late. I know. As I mentioned in earlier blogs, this month is different. I know the Lord is calling me to fill up at every opportunity. I previously called it "carb loading," which was a mistake. Kristin keeps bringing up my "carb loading" in reference to food and I keep having to shout back at her "I meant spiritually speaking!" This dramatic interaction is made more entertaining to us two because my name in her phone is "Carbonator." One rather enjoyable afternoon I was eating some delicious bread and singing its praises. In my excitement over the bread, and all the delicious carb-filled foods, I exclaimed "Just call be the Carb-o-nator!" And thus, she has.

So yes, carb-loading. Where last month was more about fasting and sacrificing, the Lord changed my focus for this season to be more about 'displacing.' When you focus on eating vegetables and salads, you naturally don't have room for the other (less healthy) foods. Likewise, asI am focusing on reading, studying and memorizing scripture, my Max Lucado book, The Seeking Heart, praying, journaling, worshipping, doing homework with excellence, and strengthening specific relationships. I just don't have as much time to blog or facebook. So, as you see less blogs these days, hopefully it will begin to pay off by better blogs. And if it doesn't, look forward to what is to come.

That said, I had such an excellent week. I'd been looking forward to it for the past month. Knowing I'd be done with my Daniel Fast, and that school would be slowing down slightly this week, I'd made all sorts of fun plans weeks and weeks out. Coffee date with Rose Ruiz (one of the BEST ways to begin the day!), snowboarding day with Elsa and Madison, dinner with Linda Cline, sleepover with Mac and Jordyn at the Clines, my Coffee Seminar (one of the final steps for my Coffee Master's program at Starbucks). It was incredible-- and now it is over.

I found all of these experiences this week had a congruent affect on me. It was most visible in my dinner date with Linda, but the others stirred the same waters in my spirit: The Lord has a plan, and it's going to be great! Linda encouraged me so much to be 'expectant' and excited for what is coming, and to trust that all the little pieces that may seem random or aimlessly hard will surprise me years down the road with how they played together. My life has felt scattered- I've been sowing here and there- faithfully, but to seemingly disconnected aspects all at once. The plates are beginning to merge.

It just came to me in fact that on our drive home from snowboarding, Madison was surprised to hear I happen to LOVE a certain song on the United Pursuit Band's recent CD. She had deleted it because it bothered her, namely the singer's voice. I love it. It's one of my favorites. To me, the words are so raw and unexpected.

It is called "Come Away," which already makes me love it. I love "Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones, and I love Bethel Worship's "Come Away With Me" and I love Evan Earwicker's "Come Away." And I love the Song of Solomon's for the same reason. Being drawn away- aww, yes. Something in me just comes alive at that invitation.

But back to the story. Madison was shocked. As I told her, I love it because typically when someone is 'full of themself' it is a negative trait. But here, when the Lord is singing and He says, "It's gonna be full of Me" - what better thing could be said?! What better promise could He make? The whole song continues:

Come away with Me
Come away.
It's never too late
It's never too late
It's not too late for you

I have a plan for you
I have a plan.

It's gonna be wild
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be full of Me.

I sincerely love surprises. And He knows that; furthermore, I think He loves that. :) It is not just in the surprise, but the knowing that I don't know, that I revel. I don't think a Lover could tell me something better than that they have a plan, for me, that's going to be wild, great, and full of the Lord. For that Lover to be the Lord- and to involve 'coming away' to some amazing place- yeah, my heart is flooded. I could continue, but I'm pretty sure the point is clear.

I think that might be my anthem right now. My promise I'm holding on to. I'm not going to try to figure things out, manipulate any situation to make it orderly or controlled, I'm not going to set my hopes on any specific picture... I'm just going to trust He has a plan for me, and it's gonna be wild, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be full of Him!

And with that, I'm finishing up what He's set before me and waiting 'expectantly' to see where He is about to draw me to next. I'm waiting for His voice, and as soon as I hear Him say, "Come away with me.." I'm going to run.

Thursdays, are long days. I wasn't pleased with my alarm clock when it went off at 3:45am. I open every Thursday morning at Starbucks, and usually I can look forward to this as I typically open with my good friend Theresa. Not this morning. This week's schedule is strange. So, as the alarm clock rang, I had no great excitement to get out of bed. I was super blessed though.. T, knowing I'd be bummed not to be opening with her, sent me a text at a little after 4am. Furthermore, when I go into work, there was a note from her and kathryn (one of my other favorites!) stuck to the computer they knew I'd be looking at first thing (to sign in). I am grateful to work with wonderful people.

This morning, driving from work to school (across 520 bridge), I couldn't believe that such a gorgeous view is just part of my daily routine.... a luxury I don't even have to seek out, but is just handed to me. I stared across a calm blue lake, under a giant blue sky, broken up by 'majestic' snow capped mountains and surrounded by deep green treees!

The skies have been beautiful these last few days... blue enough to confuse a lot of Huskies. With the sweet scent of blooming flowers, the clear skies, and the desire for spring, some have actually become convinced it IS spring I think. I saw a number of flip flops, shorts, and sundresses yesterday. I was in jeans and a sweatshirt, and I was still cold. It may LOOK like spring, and smell like spring, but it ain't spring folks. My brother-in-law likes to tell me "If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck, darl'n." I guess this is one case that proves his theory wrong.

Lunch yesterday, one a bench on campus, in the sun... eating Chipotle. I have never been a fan of Mexican food. But lately, I've entered a dangerous love affair with Cilantro- I crave it! I love its taste, its smell, even its name! I'd just chew on it! lol. So yesterday, all by myself, I went to Chipotle so I could have some of their delicious cilantro-rice in a chicken burrito.

One last thought.... yesterday morning I had an excellent bus ride to school. I had enough time to hop off in Lake Forest Park for a coffee, and still get back on and to class 15 minutes early for my 8:30 class. The skies were blue, the streets were fairly quiet, my coffee was delicious. And as I sat there, staring out the window and enjoying my white mocha americano, I glanced down to see some graffitti beneath the window. It read, "Sacred."

February?

This is the sight that greets me at the steps to the Quad. How could today not be lovely?

The Lord's been faithfully revealing a lot of self-love in me. It's painful to see how much I still prefer myself. How I'll still choose what I want, and still hope that He gives me my desires, even when they cross the desires of those I care for. I'm seeing jealousy in my own heart.

Painful.

As always, Fenelon broke right into it all last night as I opened up to the next page of The Seeking Heart. He encouraged me just to die. In fact, he points out that even seeking to die, is actually impatience. We have to be patient to let the Lord accomplish His work in us, not trying to preserve our own lives or wills, and also not trying to rush our dying to certain things. The Lord is faithful. Fenelon says, "DO NOTHING."

That seems contrary to everything I know.

But it's exactly the Word of the Lord for me right now, I know it. Even my horoscope last week (It was on a counter in a coffee shop lol, I didn't go searching...calm down) said "Fulfill your commitments, but don't add any new."

Last night we studied the second part of John 5, and I continued to be impacted by the words of Jesus:

I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me. (v 30)

My judgment is JUST because I SEEK NOT MY OWN WILL. I want to be just. The last couple weeks I keep hearing Father remind me, "Seek first the Kingdom of God and all else will be added." And Jesus' words, "I must be about my Father's business." I want that to become my preoccupation- my disposition.

There is so much of me, still in me, how can I be just until finally I seek not my own will, but the will of Him who sent me? How can I be loving, while I am still fighting my own cause? In the same chapter (John 5), Jesus tells the Pharisees that they do not have the love of God in them, and that they seek glory from men rather than from God.

I've never realized just how strong the danger is of me becoming a Pharisee. Those men sought... just as I aim to seek. Jesus said that they "sought out the scripture" (v 39). They sacrificed. They fasted. They prayed. The believed in The Father. They followed the law better than I ever have. The only thing that sets me apart from them, is my willingness to hear and obey the Son of God. I believe in Jesus, but even the demons do. There's something more that must distinguish me.

Truly, truly, I say to you, an hour is coming, and is now here, when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God, and those who hear will live. For as the Father has life in himself, so he has granted the Son also to have life in himself.... You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life. (25-26, 39-40).

When the Word crosses my will, when the Voice of Jesus reveals just how far from His disposition mine is, will I come to Him? That's what I discovered last night. The scripture is sharper than a two-edged sword, separating spirit and flesh... but its power is in its ability to draw us to Jesus. If we do not choose to 'come to Him' when it cuts us, we cut ourselves off from the life. We leave ourselves a broken mess, life-less.

The Word's been cutting me an awful lot lately- and my prayer is that I run to Jesus. I want to be one with Him and His Father, like they are one.

He's a clever man to have taught us to pray, Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done...

Rather than seeking to surrender (which would manage to still keep me calling the shots of when I live and when I die), I'm simply going to seek His Kingdom, seek His will, seek His face. Because if I find the King, I'll find the Kingdom. And if I seek His kingdom, I have it in good authority the King will take care of the rest for me, amidst my seeking heart.

No greater love has the earth seen than this, than a King lay down His life for His people. I want to find that King; not in theory, not in myth, not in some abstract feeling. I want to shine like Moses' face and John's life (Jn 5:35), the disposition of one of His people, one who's looked into the King's eyes and found there the commitment, "yes, you are mine. you are chosen. when I died, I died for you." I think He died for all, but few seek His face to find that they were indeed one of those chosen to live. I wish more would seek. If I seek, and I shine as a lamp, perhaps more will find the courage to seek His face, and look bravely into the eyes and discover that their deepest fear (that they are excluded from that gift of salvation) is not real. How would our lives change if we sought Him 'till we found Him? How would our lives change if we had the courage to look- and to see the answer? I think we'd ignite.

I hope I do.

Once again, Let hope arise and darkness tremble.

How is it music can make me feel I'm walking someplace I've never been?

Today is February 14th! That means...

That the ticket I got last year is permanently erased from my record! Woot!

Yes, yes, it also means its Valentines Day, if you are going to be all picky about it.

I am not one to hate Valentines Day because I am single... just so you know. I greatly enjoyed wishing people a happy valentines day as they came into my Starbucks today. I love, love. I know far too many things pass with its name that are so far from its true nature, but I celebrate in my heart whenever I see something with a flicker of its trueness inside.

I had a couple revelations today:

I love to write. I love to discover what is being said. What is a person really saying? What is a story ultimately saying? What is a picture saying? What is the sky saying? What a statistic is truly saying.

I am passionate about seeing the truth brought out. There are a great deal of statistics, laws and historical happenings that have been commonly accepted as saying something that I don't believe they ever really said. This is my revelation, I never knew my passion flowed that far... all the way to interpreting statistics.

I am studying for my Starbucks black apron and they were showing all these statistics and what they mean, and I totally disagreed with what they were trying to claim. Just because those who rate themselves the most 'highly satisfied' are also those who spend the most on their drinks, doesn't mean they spend more because they are satisfied. It may just as likely be the opposite causal relationship: they are more satisfied because they are willing to invest more to get a better, more specialized drink to their taste. I am typically more satisfied by a white mocha americano ($3ish), then a plain drip ($2ish).

But the passion is so much more than that silly thought I had yesterday and today.... it's also drawing on the historical decisions the Supreme Court has made that have directed the popular opinion of our nation. I say "directed the popular opinion" because I am beginning to believe that may be the case more than most recognize or admit. The Supreme Court's responsibility is to interpret the Constitution. They have a controversial position, some feel they are called to represent the voice of the people, others feel they were designed to be a distinct, nearly ostrisized voice. Regardless, when they have made decisions like that in Roe v Wade, they were expected to reflect the nation's views and standards.... I don't think they did quite as clearly as most now think they did. We judge the american public and distrust them for it, but I think that decision did a lot to shape how Americans felt they should view abortion. They should view abortion as right, because its legal. It's constitutional, the Court says so. And now, politicians and public 'servants' sort the statistics to make them support that it's what the people really wanted. Was it? What do the statistics really say?

I don't know. But I am thinking that all these questions are being sparked in me by the Lord.

I want to know the story. I want to know the story of the man who came in today, and came alive when he overheard me talking to Susan (a designer and regular at our shop) about Renaissance architecture. I want to know why he loves it, but never pursued it. Where he went to school. What degree he chose and why. How he feels about it now. Does he have regrets. Is he alive?

I want to know those in my life's real story, what is written in their heart, in their dreams, and how to help it come to life...


What brings You glory, brings me joy.

CS Lewis Quotes, a handful of my favorites:

There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way."

Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.

Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.

Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.

Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.

We are what we believe we are.

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.

You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me.

You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.

If you didn't know it already- CS Lewis is one of my heroes! What a man- What a writer- What a believer! The man's brilliant.

I'm so drawn to the sea these days... or to the lake (since it's what I can get to). My thoughts just drift there.

Last night, I rested. I've been house sitting with Court, but we decided to stay at our own homes last night. I'd gone home to clean, do laundry, homework, and sleep. At 7:30pm- after a relaxing bath, I crawled into my fluffed bed, just washed and crisply made (yes, I'm one of those who will make a bed, before getting into it), with a glass of red wine, chocolate, and my bible. I'd already enjoyed some lovely journaling and a little "soaking" earlier on. It was delightful.

As I opened my bible and read back through John 5 (what we read Monday for Bible Study), I came across a new story. The story of Jesus walking on the Sea of Galilee. Once again, the sea was rough. Today I'm pondering this story in my heart. Jesus has these multiple stories of letting his disciples be in a raging sea, thinking he is out of reach.... but he's not. One time, he sleeps, the next, he's not even on the boat. But, he walks across the rough waters to them. I'm not sure what's there exactly- but I just keep thinking of the sea. I keep thinking of God as a God of the seas.

You may or may not know the song, but there is one that I love, which begins:

Who is moving on the waters? Who is holding up the moon? Who is peeling back the darkness with the burning light of noon? Who is standing on the mountains? Who is on the earth below? Who is bigger than the heavens, and the Lover of my Soul?

That song enchants me. Every time, I cry without understanding why. Like my heart weeps with longing, and admiration, and joy and a million other emotions that only my spirit really comprehends. Who is moving on the waters?

I keep re-reading the poem I wrote last week, because it seems more and more the song of my heart. I must see the face of the man who sleeps under the sails of the raging sea... the man who moves on the waters of my heart, who stills my raging seas, who seeks out the mysteries, who is the deep calling out to the deep in me. He's hauntingly closer than I can stand, and never quite close enough. He's grounded on waves...

*while writing this "Running in Circles" by United Pursuit Band came on... for those of you who don't know, some of it's greatest lines are "So I come to tell you I love you, to tell you I need you, to tell you there's no better place than in your arms. To tell you I'm sorry for running in circles, for placing my focus on the waves, not on your face. You're the only One who brings me peace." Coincidence? I think not.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
“Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.
Ephesians 5:8-14

We were reading John 5 in Bible Study this week, and I was overwhelmed by the love of Jesus for the pharisees. We typically just recognize his anger with them for misleading, and looking in the wrong place for salvation. In John 5 though, I recognized he sees the heart of a seeker in them. The pharisees SOUGHT ought the word of God- but when the WORD of God came down and stood in front of them, they were deaf to Him. I cry. He told them 'the time is coming, and has now come when the dead will hear to voice of the Son of God and will come to life.' (Totally just wrote that from memory- don't take it as exact word for word, but it's close). He was calling them the dead- and told them to HEAR... Like 4 times in that chapter Jesus begins his sentence "Truly, truly..." Do you hear His pleading with them?

How heartbreaking to know that what they longed for, what they searched for...was right before their eyes and all they had to do is believe.

Oh God- let me search, and let me see when the answer stands in front of me. When you speak, always let me hear. Don't allow me to harden my heart-- OH GOD, soften my heart!

"Today, if you hear His voice, harden not your heart"- that verse used to frighten me. I was always afraid He'd ask me for something I wouldn't want to give. Today though, I hear something entirely different. To hear, means life. To harden your heart to His voice, means to remain in a dark sleep, to never know the life you were created for, to never taste light, to be forgotten by freedom.

Oh heart of mine,
Wake up, O Sleeper,
rise from the dead
That Christ will shine upon you!!
Find out what pleases the Lord,
and live as the child of light that you are.

Things are tight right now. But they are good.

Finances are tight. Time is tight. My muscles are tight (lol). My stomach must even be tight because it's felt tied in knots all week. :/

That said, midterm grades are beginning to roll in and surprise me happily. And this morning, at the brink between the Quad and Red Square, on the earliest tree each year to bloom, i saw little pink buds all over!

Two AMAZING Fenelon quotes I'm reblogging from Madison:


Be free,… simple, a child. But be a sturdy child, who fears nothing, who speaks out frankly, who lets himself be led, who is carried in the arms; in a word, one who knows nothing, can do nothing, can anticipate and change nothing, but who has a freedom and a strength forbidden to the great. This childhood baffles the wise, and God Himself speaks by the mouth of such children.

Francois Fenelon

What are you afraid of? Let God act. Abandon yourself to Him. You will suffer, but you will suffer with love, peace and consolation. You will fight, but you can carry off the victory, and God Himself, after having fought with you, will crown you with His own hand. You will weep, but your tears will be sweet, and God Himself will come with satisfaction to dry them. You will not be free any longer to give yourself up to your tyrannic passions, but you will sacrifice your liberty freely, and you will enter into a new liberty unknown to the world, in which you will do nothing except for love.

Francois Fenelon

If you haven't picked up one of his books yet- do it.

Just received a new responsibility at work. Believe it or not... I am now a sort of a blog-editor for UIE. Rather fitting for a bloggadict like me.

The only danger: what do I really know about the technology industry? Not much on a deep technical level...not much. But I'll be making broad-scale comments about the big happenings of the industry, and forwarding on articles to try to spark blogs from our executives. I think I will like this a lot... now only if I could get rid of the conference travel responsibilities.... boo.

Anyways, I am hoping in the coming year I will get to focus more on the writing-related aspects of our marketing department. I'm very blessed to have the opportunities I do. Lord, help me increase my talents. :0

The images of my (yester)day.
(finally got my chance to use it! Braden said I ruined his pencil. I simply made it a writing utensil that can double as a lance.)
(feeding wild rabbits in a bothell business complex after Bible Study = random, but fun.)

Well, that is done. For better or for worse. :/

I have several dozens of beautiful Cathedrals, Abbeys, Chapels, Baptistries, Mosques and Reliquaries from across Europe listed out on individual index cards. Tonight, they are helping me study facts about how each building shaped and transformed architecture. I'm going to keep them in a box. Someday, I'd love to play a game with them: pull one out at random, and travel to it. :)

(Though I think I'd always be hoping it was Ste. Chapelle... perhaps I'll stack the deck for the first round.)



It adds a new idea for all my traveling. I think I'll fill out an index card for each of the places my dreams visit. Not just it's name, but why it's important- how it changed and transformed the world, architecture, language, literature, art, history, me. Perhaps key facts. This class has certainly changed the way I experience the world around me... I always look for beauty, but now I look for beauty in the structure, innovation and significance of the physical world around me. Beyond my own experience with whatever beauty I am looking at, I want to become knowledgeable about it. I may be about to graduate, but I've never felt more called to become a student then I do this year. I am a seeker, and I've barely touched the secrets I know are in store for me....

The struggle is simply studying what's before me, today, tonight. "Discipline is doing what you ought to do, when you ought to do it." Tonight, the index cards are equally important to one another. One day they will be destinations I'll fly to. Tomorrow they will be dreams I can ponder. Tonight, they are facts I must memorize...

The hours are winding down to my architecture midterm and I have dozens of buildings yet to memorize, so this will be short.

I must say though, I got so blessed today. Court started my morning off by giving me a beautiful mug she'd bought me. Worship was wonderful. The message today was the Word of God straight to my hungry heart. And then Kate Hallstrom walked up to me with a bag and handed me a blanket. I couldn't even believe it. She said "I think of you whenever I look at it, it's yours." You see, it sincerely is the most incredible blanket... it is beautiful, and cosy and everything wonderful wrapped up. Every time I have come to their house of the past several years I have told her how wonderful that blanket is. And the store she got it from stopped making them.

So blessed. Yesterday morning at work too, all my favorite regulars came in... one who doesn't come in all too often, but I just love seeing his face. I'd told my manager as we were opening, "I hope Brett comes in today." Several hours later, my face lit up to see him. THEN, he came back in, brought his wife and children so I could meet them. John, a weekday morning regular (my other favorite) came in- I've NEVER seen him come in on a Saturday. Another regular (we see him every day), brought his little daughter in and on their walk she picked me a Pussy Willow branch and brought it back in to me. Little things like that just seemed to light up my whole morning. I am so grateful for all these amazing little gifts I've been receiving.

Thank you ALL.

When I look out to the sea
My heart grows sails and begins to flee to thee.
The clouds that stain the satin sky
Only increase my need to find affinity,
Eternity, the yet unseen, undone, long-decreed,
The answers and secrets in the hands that bleed,
I need to see the face of the man who sleeps,
who sleeps beneath the sails in the raging sea.

Exciting: Obedience.

I just had a definite battle in deciding how to spend my evening. It's my tendency to assume that "more, is the Lord." If there is a meeting- it's the Lord for me to be there... and if I can't go, it's because I failed in my discipline or use of time.

Tonight, I am staying home from a big meeting I'd like to be at. But I realized, I'd like to be there not because I think the Lord is waiting there for me- I'd like to be there, because not being there is going to mean getting crap from friends. Don't get me wrong, usually I am STOKED for these sort of evenings. But I'm stoked because I am stoked to meet my Maker face to face, and even more stoked to do it beside others I love and enjoy.

Tonight though, I just know that He's here for me- and not there. To be clear, I know God is omnipresent. Here's what I mean, God told me this year is about radical obedience to His voice. He told me to stay home. I decided to go and even texted a friend. I felt it immediately in my spirit. It was like a sad sigh. I texted her back immediate: "scratch that." And then, after making the decision, I felt peace. And then, excitement. I felt like God said, "I'm here. Let's steal a few minutes away together, it's been too long and not enough." AWWW. And like that, I'm lit!

So, while I am excited for what is happening tonight at the church... I am excited to have obeyed, to have chosen "Where you go, I'll go; where you stay, I'll stay." Tonight, we are staying in... studying together, and stealing little moments away.

I love Him. I love that He doesn't always tell you to do what you think you "ought" to do. He's not a system or a strategy. He's not a set of rules. He's a person. And I get to grow in a relationship with Him for ever, learning to hear His voice. Learning to respond to His voice- not the voice of the masses... even when its a wonderful mass. ;) I'm praying tonight is incredible- so incredible my heart aches to have missed it... but I'm not going to regret this decision, not tonight, He's here.

He's consistent, He never changes, But He never fails to surprise me. And I love Him for it!

Another surprise...I've been praying about what this next month is going to be about, and what I am to fast. He told me, this next month is not so much going to be a fast, as a 'sprint'... it's not so much about 'giving up' as 'taking in.' It's going to be a carb-loading season (spiritually speaking) ... which means, something big is coming after... something I'm going to need that strength for. You don't carb-load before a vacation- you carb-load before you go into a tournament, or climb a mountain, or fight a match. You carb-load when you are building muscle. (OH and how the Dennis Peacocke teachings begin to flood my mind... I think those may need some revisiting this month).

I think it's very timely that I am reading Max Lucado's Fearless. Yesterday I came face to face with some of my own timidity, and a frustration with fear. After taking a hard hit and getting a concussion on the mountain last Thursday, I returned yesterday. I was timid. I fought the mountain- I didn't go fast, I didn't take risks. I hardly practiced the skills I'd acquired last week. I wore myself out quick from all the resistance- FEAR IS TIRING. And it sucks the fun out of life (and snowboarding). About 3 weeks ago I told Bianca I didn't think I really struggled with much fear- but boy has God been pulling it out of the cracks of my being. I'm going to be fearless. And not only that, I'm going to raise my kids to be Fearless. Madison Unger I have found is an excellent example of courage and fearlessness... I don't know if I'll ever quite have her tenacity for thrills.... but I'd like to have children that know no fear like her she knows no fear. I'd like to have a marriage that knows no fear- I've been looking forward to dreaming with my husband lately. Dreaming, kind of a funny aspect of marriage to anticipate... but I am. I love dreaming. I'm learning to Dream with God- it makes me come alive, it makes me real. And I'm thinking that dreaming with my husband is going to be one of the most exciting things yet- especially since I believe God is going to accomplish great things through us and in us together. Aw, DREAMING.

LET HOPE ARISE AND DARKNESS TREMBLE.

Love you all,
katrina hope

This just made me laugh in class. (That's never good.)

Some things get easier with time.

Watching your bus drive away is not one of them.

*Lake Louise, Canada August 2008
*Mount Constitution, WA April 2008
*Snoqualmie Falls, WA Spring 2008


I can't understand this work of grace
How a perfect God would come and take my place
...
The stars they don't move you.
The waves can't undo you.
The mountains in their splendor,
They cannot steal your heart.
This God who is holy, perfect in beauty,
Awesome in glory, is ravished by my heart

Though I'm poor you say I am lovely;
Though I'm dark you say I am beautiful.
...
Somehow my weakness has overwhelmed you
And somehow my weak love, it has stolen away your heart.
Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed you
And somehow my weak love, it has stolen away your heart.

I can't understand this work of grace
How a perfect God would come and take my place.

- IHOP, Dark But Lovely

And that's what undoes me.

HOW DO I, STEAL AWAY HIS HEART IN A WAY THOSE MOUNTAINS, STARS, AND SEA CANNOT? They certainly ravish me... What will His face do to me I wonder?

I can read you, you're my favorite book.
-Stars



Hey, guess what. There's good coming.

I will sing of steadfast love and justice;
to you, O Lord, I will make music.
I will ponder the way that is blameless.
Oh when will you come to me?
I will walk with integrity of heart within my house;
I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless.

Psalm 101: 1-3. One of my favorite Psalms.

You want to know a secret?
I want to be done with all my selfish ambitions. I want to just be filled and overflowing with the Love and person of God so that when people get near me, they get overwhelmed by who He is, His love washes over them and touches all their hurts, pains, and fears. As I said, I want to be done with my selfish ambitions. So done. The best tool I know to get there, is just to keep delving into the Word. I especially find He adjusts my heart in the Psalms, and He reminds me that He is my Creator and He is faithful to accomplish all He's begun.

I've noticed I only write good poetry when my heart feels cracked and broken. It makes me think maybe we only write anything moving when we face our own lack and shortcoming- our utter nothingness, and we write nothing powerful or redeeming unless we recognize in it our only hope, Him.

I think all of my real writing has begun in the same spot: Am I enough?

I find this same question in David's poetry, and I find the same answer my own heart's discovered many nights.

If the Lord had not been my help,
my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
When I thought, "My foot slips,"
your steadfast love, O Lord held me up.
When the cares of my heart are many,
your consolations cheer my soul.
Can wicked rulers be allied with you,
those who frame injustice by statute?
They band together against the life of the righteous,
and condemn the innocent to death.
But the Lord has become my stronghold
and my God the rock of my refuge.
Psalm 94:17-22

What comfort it is to know the Lord is on my side. I must merely trust Him, and who better to have hold my heart and my hand then my Maker. Though a man may swear to lay down his life for his love, the Lover of my Soul already has. He fights on my side. He's laid out His plans for He and I. I know they are good. And I know He's good to bring them about. Peace.

I just have to say:






My sister Kristin in an unbelievable sister. In being a sister, she has never failed.








She's driven me to soccer practices, protected me, loved me, bought me my dream dress and heals for my first dance, made me believe I'm brilliant, unique, funny, beautiful, adorable, and loved. She's surprised me for no reason at all with a gerber daisy or iced white mocha at school, bought me a beautiful necklace with the prettiest garnets (my birthstone) I've ever seen. That's just like her too, to take something about me that I don't see as beautiful, and show me that it is. A garnet, I'd always believed to be an ugly cheap brownish stone- she found the rarest ones and they glow like fire, and she bought me a burning cross to wear upon my chest. I cry each time I think back to how she'd wake me up at 4am to go open with her at Pete's Coffee, buy me some breakfast and make me a hot chocolate while I studied at dawn. Then she'd take her lunch break to run me to school in the morning. She'd pick me up at 3pm and drive me to Redmond, we'd get dinner and then she'd drop me off at practice. She'd read a book or go rock climbing, or for a run at the park and then she'd be waiting for me after practice was done.

She's my big sister, and I've never known another to embody such self-sacrifice, love, and commitment for a sibling. She's spent all her money and time on me- sometimes not because I needed it, but because she knew I wanted it.


We've said terrible things to one another (not often, but we have), we've teased one another, and mostly we've laughed and chatted for hours in the midst of our family- them wondering what the heck we are even talking about and why exactly it's funny. We've even been kicked off a family vacation, together. We've shared secrets. We've stepped up to lines, sometimes standing on opposite sides, and we've told the other we respect their decision, because we know the strength and faith in the other's heart.

I know I don't see everything the same as my sister. I know I don't think through things the same way. I know I am created differently, and called to accomplish different things. I know I want to love and give myself the way she has to me. I know I want to make her feel brilliant, beautiful, unique and funny like she has me. I know I want her to know I love her, respect her and really do want the world to see just how magnificent she is. I want them to know that there is always more then they will ever see or know- luckily I am her sister, and a sister always gets the privilege of seeing, feeling and sharing what no one else can quite know or understand.

I owe my sister Kristin more than any of you will ever know. She's held me up, even while both of our hearts were falling, in hopes that she might at least cushion my fall.

I get mooshy over all those cheesy sister quotes, because for us three, they're real.


Lord, bless Kristin. Give her strength to finish her B.A. strong- let all that she's poured out for me, be given back to her doubly so. Cover her, guard her, guide her, delight her with Yourself. Let your joy and strength be her comfort. You oh God really are our mighty fortress! Reveal to her your delight in her, and give her even more passion and vision of who You've created her to be. Fulfill the dreams you've placed in her heart. Let this really be her year.

Love you Krissy Poo-Poo.

XOXO.
Ubi-boobie

Feeling crappy.

I've been shaky and feeling grose all day. When I thought I was actually doing pretty good, I arrived at work and my coworker informed me, "Are you okay? You look like you haven't slept in days."

I kinda laughed and told her I had both a nap and 8 hours of sleep last night- but still feeling a little weak.

I'm not sure if it's just me not being diligent enough to get protein amidst this fast, or if I am really fighting off something- I think it might be a bit of both. I've passed out at work before and the consequent day of tests in the ER taught me that I'm not as strong as I like to think... I have to be wise and take care of my body. Today was a bit of a check... thinking over the last couple days, I'm definitely dehydrated, short on rest, low on protein, and higher on emotional and mental stress than I ought to be. Thankfully, I'm learning to recognize the little tap-tap and not running 'til I drop, literally.

Not to mention, whatever is going on in my heart and head always shows on my face. There was a lot going on in my heart and head as I walked in to work... I made it through the shift by a lot of prayer and I am finally about to spend a little QT with my Maker, my hope is He'll bring me some peace. :)

Surrender is always so sweet. "I will not give to you that which costs me nothing."

Granted I only had a few hours of sleep last night, it was due to spending an excellent evening with a number of the coolest people I know, watching an amazing film I'd be ashamed to admit I'd never seen. I woke up feeling a bit like the walking dead and headed to open at Starbucks with my buddy Theresa... undoubtably my favorite to open with. :)

Though busy, it was a good morning overall. I'm training in the Coffee Masters program, which I love. I love learning about all the process of the different beans, about the different farms they come from, the distinctive regional tastes and traditions. In short, I love to learn the story. I love to learn the story behind a friend. I love to hear the story behind a war. I love to hear the story behind a marriage, new or time-tested. I love to hear the story behind a photograph- or if ungiven, to write the story for myself. And as it turns out, I love to hear the story behind a bag of beans. Where it came from, how it was grown, who named it, what the recipe is, what sort of people might drink it and with what- what stories might it fall into in the future?

After work, I got to take a nap- there are few delights like a hot shower and a good nap- waking up to a clean, organized room with no rush or place to go.

Now, I am reading a book (granted, for school.... but still, I'm getting to enjoy one of my favorite pastimes) and thinking I'll go make a pot of coffee.

This is a beautiful winter Saturday.

(I stole the image form Madison's blog post this evening... Mad, if you don't already know: I'm a nerd about books, art, buildings, doors, travels, photos, pens, trees, people, STORIES... anything beautiful without contriving)

Kimberly Dawn.

Kristin Faith.

Katrina Hope.

Sisters.






Really now?



And somehow we're all the daughters of...



Loretta Joann.

Free-Write Friday

There was a couple kissing on the steps of one of the buildings this morning... it would have been cute if it were a photo. It wasn't, and it wasn't cute.

I do happen to own the original Nintendo (the same one we've had since we were little), and I did happen to own in a little unexpected original mario-ing last night. ;)

Extra Credit = write my name down on that list! Every extra credit opportunity I am so doing... and this quarter I have a lot of them. I was at one last night, I'll be writing another one this weekend (perhaps today), and all the rest of the quarter :)

Yesterday I organized my entire gmail inbox from the past 2 years. I deleted tons and organized the remaining into folders of friends, homegroup, discipleship, school, personal, work, recipes, etc. :) It was incredibly exciting.

I am on campus SO much these days. Sheesh.

[A second installment of Free-Thoughts]

WHAT IS UP WITH IT? I am sitting in the UVillage Starbucks just now. I look up and directly in front of me, right outside the window are two people kissing. Not cute kissing. Kinda sick kissing... perhaps it's only sick kissing because they look like they are 14. Maybe it is just me and all kissing is sick kissing today. It's like its Spring or something, goodness people!!

You should know, I'm traditionally the type to "Aww" over a cute couple walking along holding hands, sharing an umbrella or a sweet kiss. But it's like the sick-kissers are out in full force and are strategically placing themselves in MY WAY today... the ones you know probably shouldn't be allowed to kiss because they are so awkward and needy and BLAH.

I moved seats.

Now they just did too. This is like a joke. They just changed seats so I can once again see them, and they both faced the window. Hold on, let me check for a camera..... nope, I'm not being Punk'd.

Well, I have a soy chai latte, a book, some good oldies playing over the speakers, and it's dusk, my favorite time of the day... pardon me while I escape this world (and the awkward kissers outside my window) for a spell.

I'm realizing something about this frustration that's mounting in me; it's exactly what's needed to break me out of the status quo I live in. To be practical, it's going to be the overwhelming passion to travel and live an adventure that will cause me to question my spending habits. It's going to be this constant struggling to say what's real and alive and growing within my Spirit that keeps driving me to write. It's this desperation that makes me think I might break if I have to take another breath of the same air I breathed in yesterday that draws me to take a long drag of the Psalms, and the Gospels, and the epistles of Paul and Peter. Yeah, they are like my drug. I light them and breathe them in, try to hold their potency in as long as I can, 'til I have to breathe it out. I just need more.

You see, it's this frustration that's pushing me to find a new allegory, because none of the old ones fit it right. But neither do the new, yet. I'll find it though. Thats why I keep reading and writing and praising. That's why I keep breathing in this air.

That's why you do too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I look around and think, I am so rich. I wish every young person had the blessings of relationship that I have. He lavishes His goodness on me, He lavishes His wisdom, courage, patience, perseverance, understanding, forgiveness, peace, gentleness, truth, generosity, righteousness, strategy, history, pleasure on me through the quality (and quantity too!) of friendships He continues to give me and protects for me. I deserve none of you, but I'm blessed by each of you, overwhelmingly so. Thank you.

After re-reading this blog I'm wondering if the testimony of my life (or part of it) might not be this: God has no lack.

Musing on the quote below as I walked down the hill from campus to my car (one of my favorite times to think as you may be discovering), I realized:

Dreams of day are but sleeping realities...

"Awake, Awake O Sleeper."

From dreams of bliss
shall men awake
one day but not to weep,
The dreams remain
They only break
The mirror of the sleep.
-George MacDonald



(I know it's already in the quotes to the right, but this is one of my all-time favorite quotes and it just came to mind as I looked at this picture.)

I know I know- I should be writing my paper... I'm trudging through it, and I have to get this out before I can get that out (just trust me).

This morning in worship, something happened. And I don't know what it was.

All I know is Mrs. Rita Marinkovich gave a really intense word and I was brining my heart before the Lord- asking Him to search my heart, and to purge it. Then, I was singing along with the song, asking God to tear down my pride and break through the walls I've built.

I lost it. Shaking. Crying, maybe bawling. Something hit me and I couldn't even get the words out- though I kept trying.

I've been asking Him to break through my walls for a while, break me out of myself, out of my own control. I've controlled myself so long, so strictly that I don't know how not to. He starts to move on my heart, and I love it and want it, but within minutes I'm back in control and whatever was happening in my heart is over. I hate it. I want to lose control. I want to lose control to Him.

I think all the things I've been trying to control and keep from colliding, suddenly collided in my heart as He tore down walls. All day my eyes have felt like a leaky faucet, just barely holding that drop in its grasp. I wondered if strangers thought I was about to cry and maybe worried.

And now the past 4 hours I have been in the strangest 'mood.' I explained it to Ty as I want to 'explode.' And it's no typical 'explode'- not anger, or depression, or anything else you might associate it with. I almost went for a run, I've stretched tons, I've eaten 4 or 5 different types of food- just a few bites of each, had two cups of coffee and got up countless times for some other beverage that I want but can't put my finger on.

I'm restless.

I bought a new CD tonight and every song makes me want to some how consume the lyrics, light them on fire, smell their aroma. I sound like a crazy person, because I'm grasping for the words - the explanation in this physical, limited world for something huge inside me that feels like it just needs to get out, needs to stretch itself beyond my fingertips and toes and mind.

"Lock me up, I'm lovesick for just one touch. You're all I need, yet You never seem to be enough"

Melodies are feeding this thing inside of me.

"Come to the water all you who thirst and you'll thirst no more."

All at once I want this to be consumed, eaten up and spent like a fire- and I want it to go on forever.

"Come to the treasure all you who search and you'll search no more."

Writing this has really been no help.

"From His wounds we drink salvation."

I think I'm obsessed with Him... and with that revelation, the faucet loses its grip.

"Because Love is here."

Why is it SO hard to make yourself write a paper sometimes?! I have an architecture paper due tomorrow morning, and I can't make myself start it. This is not good.

I just had an amazing day. I wish we had more time (or took more time) to go on fun days. Brade, Mac and I headed up to Bellingham to spend the day with Erin & Chrisandra, two of our Canadian friends.

While the morning looked rather glum at first, it eventually cleared up and as we walked along the water we had mostly clear blue skies. They took us to a pizza place for lunch and then we headed to this great coffee shop directly on the waterfront where we played cards and drank coffee and laughed plenty (Erin & Chrisandra are undoubtably two of the funniest girls you'll ever meet).

(Mac and I finally told Brade we'd all stacked the cards against him while he was getting a refill...)

After hanging out by the water and getting dinner we said goodbye and headed back. A very simple and relaxing day- no homework, no work, no stress of any form- just friends, coffee, waterfront, music, laughing and some great chats.







This was a lovely day.

Free-Write Friday


I need to get this paper written. I have an "idea" but I need 3 pages, and I need them quick (by 2:30 actually!)


I really miss my camera and I need to buy a new body for it... it would bring massive amounts of joy back into my life.


I am so lost in Geology. :/ If these 'Rocks are for Jocks,' I've been out of sports way too long because this sounds like a foreign language.


I officially must go to France. I have to see Chartres, Notre Dame (Paris), and above all Ste Chapelle in person before I die.


I went "Daniel Fast Shopping" last night, that was a new experience- there were entire aisles I now know I can skip. Plus, I've never sat and read so many "Ingredients" ... ever. I'm finding there are a LOT of vegetarian things I really like... and I've even discovered I like plain soy lattes.


I forgot to purchase lettuce and tofu last night.. two of the main things I went to purchase. (Lettuce wraps have sounded delicious!)


I also discovered this morning that a Christmas Blend french press does not taste good with honey and soy milk. You live and you learn, eh?


I love when Congregation Meetings feel like family dinners... once I was done being rather upset, I spent the rest of the night laughing and reflecting on how many incredible people I'm surrounded by.


I may have received one of the coolest birthday gifts ever last night... as Kris knows, I'd been hoping for a weapon... and I got one. :) (Don't worry dad, it doesn't fire.) The gift giver prefaced the gift "as something for when you go running" - I thought he'd bought me a headlamp. But alas, it is a very cool knife, with a strap and case.


Love you all.