Monday, January 09, 2012

These are the goals I posted last January.   They've been on the sidebar of my blog all year:

New Years Goals

-Write more.

-Be more gracious and patient.

-Be more generous- which means spend less on me (and save more)/ budget.

-Read through the Bible again. Genesis-Revelation

-Re-learn Italian

-Study architecture more.

-Become on the outside, the person I've been on the inside.

-Step into my dreams.


I did write more. But, I didn't really attempt to write. If you get the difference.
Be more gracious and patient. I certainly had more opportunities than I have my entire life. And I think I realized just how impatient and ungracious I can be. But I don't know if I really grew in it. :(
I did grow in generosity. I was intentional and sought to give to others when I wanted to spend on myself. However, I still indulged a lot on myself. This coming year I want to get better at saying "no" to myself. But still, I think I achieved this goal.
I didn't "relearn architecture." I didn't even re-learn ANY. Not a verb.
I read Genesis and Exodus straight through.
I enjoyed architecture more. I spent more time looking up things, enjoying beautiful pieces and photography. But I didn't really study it.
I don't really feel prepared to comment on the last two.

This past year has been a very difficult year. I don't know if I even realized just how difficult until the end. I felt heartaches - real heartaches. I felt fear - real fear. I faced real questions - real tough questions. And a lot of it I had to grow up and do it on my own - not giving in or getting stuck. There were incredible people there for me, but I had to make the choices in my secret heart. In some ways I don't know if I am more the person on the outside that I've been on the inside, but, I suspect I am. I also feel less sure of a lot of things. I trust myself less. And yet, I know I'm more capable. I see more of my strengths, and understand them better I think. I also see more of my weaknesses. I know what hurts me most. I know what I dislike. I know what I treasure. I know what can bring me to tears. I know what I can't seem to make myself say. And what I can't stop myself from saying.

I know the Lord has been faithful to me through every minute and mess and muddled up moment.

And I can't help but smile as I look at this list and think how I failed it - but how He succeeded at it. Because ultimately, I've come to know what I believe about the Word better. I've learned how to be more generous, I've discovered my own failures and become more desperate to be gracious with others, because I need grace. I've come to a place where I care more for things to just be said, and be... lived. And here I am, about to begin a new job, that's closer to my dreams than anything yet, and it's embedded in architecture. How very, very sweet.

Time to put 2011 away. Time to give sweet kisses goodbye, pack away remembrances and look for signs in 2012's dawn. I think this year is truly going to be good. Not just painfully good, not just bittersweet, but sweet, through and through. I hope this is a year for the tender, the kind, the hopeful and joyful smiles. For healing and hope. I hope this is a year I can live unreserved in, because that's how I'm going in. I'm walking in surrounded by risk and hard-held-to courage.

Something in me just wants to tell everyone I know and love, "Let's risk it." It feels a season for it, doesn't it? Like things really could be different all at once when we wake up.

1 comment:

Morgan said...

Amen friend. A-freaking-men.